Introvert Extrovert

Until today i struggle. I have always thought i mix well with people, thought i would be comfortable as long as people were around me. But i became unsure of that since i started college. I take pictures with friends, go out for lunches, talk about random stuff, attend birthday celebrations, get rides home but i still feel as though i don't know anything about them. Sem after sem, things change. I pretend like it's all a part of growing and time will heal this but it hasn't. I still go to college wondering who i'm gonna sit with in class, wondering who to teman me. How come my friends mix around and talk like they've seen each other every other day while i'm sitting there putting pieces of their conversations together and asking "Who? Why? When? What?". Suddenly i think, maybe i'm an introvert since i'm only Me in certain situations. I want to expressive, i want to be REAL. Yes, that's the word....but it seems like i'm going against who i am. I want to tell my friends stuff i see about them. I want to be expressive, but it's hard...i admire those who are like that, so much. I'd think, if i were to be REAL in my everyday life i would have gotten so many messages across and feelings expressed. 

I started thinking today, is it my faith? is it because i hold on to something different then them i just cannot connect. If i didn't have this faith i would probably be very liberal and carefree which is how i see many of my friends are. Except for those with boyfriends or girlfriends, they don't really seem to worry about company. Is this awkward connection due to times when i wince because of their ungodly actions? If Godly people i know can be close to unbelievers and enjoy times together, why is it so hard for me? I hide in my lil' shell like a self-defense mechanism when i'm around them. WHY why why??? i'm frustrated with myself. It's been at least 2 years!!! For goodness sakes.....what's the matter laaa? nonsense nonsense nonsense.

*exhales*

That was good. Release!!!